“There is no set path…simply follow your heart.” ~ Author unknown
We’ve been talking a lot about dreams this month and it got me thinking…maybe it’s time I share a little secret with you all. I’ve never written about this before and I don’t talk about it much “in real life” either. But I couldn’t think of a better time to do it–what, with the “dream” theme on the blog this month. So what’s my big reveal? I’m sharing a little piece of my journey through infertility.
And as I write this I know for a fact that it will resonate very deeply with some of you. Because there are so many women who struggle to get pregnant but we just don’t talk about it very often. Not because we’re embarrassed by it (at least, I’m not) but just because it’s so painful, and often misunderstood.
Shortly after my husband and I started to try to have a baby I picked up my camera for the first time in a long time. And over the years of ups and downs I found photography, and especially self-portraiture, to be a healer of sorts. A way to express the emotions of my struggle to get pregnant without the need to use words.
Whether it be loss and despair…
Another one lost.
Perseverance…
When the world says: “give up,” hope whispers, “try it one more time.” ~Author unknown
Hope…
Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul
And sings the tune without the words
And never stops at all. ~Emily Dickinson
Longing…
Please, please, please
Let me
Let me
Let me
Let me, get what I want this time. -The Smiths
Or loneliness…
The other side.
My journey came with the feeling of a complete loss of control and a lot of questions–is there an end in sight? why is this happening to us? I cried many tears but through it all never let go of the dream. And along the way I learned a LOT. About myself, my marriage, my inner strength, and my ability to cope with life’s challenges.
And most importantly I learned to never give up, even when the dream changes.
I didn’t foresee the process taking almost 4 years. I didn’t want to cycle through tons of doctors, struggling with painful shots, medications and scary procedures. I didn’t intend to be over 40 when I finally was able to maintain a viable pregnancy. But here I am. My little girl is due in January and I just know that she is the baby we were supposed to have all along. It didn’t happen the way I planned or wanted, but the dream is finally coming true.
So I guess now it’s time for a self-portrait of a different kind…
Wishing that all your dreams come true, no matter how long it takes you to get there.
-Christy | Urban Muser
9/25/13, Edited to add: I am overwhelmed by the response to this post both here and on Facebook and I want to thank each and every one of you for your kind words. I was on the fence about whether I would write this story, but in reading your comments I have been assured that it was the right decision. Your words brought tears to my eyes and I am amazed by the outpouring of love and support from this online community. Just, wow. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.